Ask SA Esa

Expert advice columnist, Valerie Menard, invites you to write her with your questions and concerns at saesa@saesaonline.com.  Letters will be posted on this site unless otherwise stipulated.

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Dear SA Esa,

Do you see yourself as a feminist? You mention girl power but it doesn't seem to come across as the girl power of feminists I have read, so I just wondered if you view yourself in that manner.

Dear reader,

If you're asking if I believe in the equality of the sexes? Yes, definitely, I am a feminist. If you want to know if I wish the Equal Rights Amendment had been ratified and added to our Constitution, absolutely. If you're asking about how I view the women's movement, that's a political question and open to debate, but I will share my perspective. I'm skeptical. I don't think the women's movement included women of color initially. Not sure it does today. When, if ever, has Gloria Steinem spoken out about issues relating to Latinas, like the mass murder of Latinas along the Texas-Mexico border, or the plight of Latina workers in sweatshops across the country, or the fact that Latinas are one of the fastest growing groups to contract HIV, the virus that causes AIDS? Overall, the women's movement has had a positive impact on women and our ability to support ourselves and our families. We haven't achieved equality yet so there's still more work to be done.
When I talk about girl power I want to empower women to embrace their femininity, or in other words, to love being who they are. The path toward feeling confident and self-assured begins with learning to love ourselves. Once done, we're in a better position to love someone else.

Hope I answered your question.
Sinceramente,
SA Esa

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Dear SA Esa,

What happens when you honestly love your husband beyond sex but your husband denies sex often (more than the average man). How do you deal with not being desired as a woman?

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Dear SA Esa,

My boyfriend and I have a two-year-old daughter and I found out that he has another daughter with his ex-girlfriend (I’ve been in this relationship for about seven years). His daughter is five. We talked about it and I feel trapped. I want to do what is best for my daughter. I’m not sure if I could live with this type of relationship throughout my life. What are your suggestions?
Please advise,
Laura

Dear Laura,
Basically, you found out that your boyfriend cheated on you, at least once, and that your daughter now has a big sister. Wow, that would be tough to take and I don’t blame you for feeling trapped. However, just because you leave him, it doesn’t mean that he’ll stop being a father to your daughter, at least it shouldn’t. He’s violated the trust in the relationship and once that’s gone, it’s very hard to keep it going. Depending on what state you live in, he’ll probably be required, by law, to support your daughter financially but it will be up to him to be a man, and make the effort to see her. On the other hand, if you feel that you can forgive him, that you can move past this and embrace your extended family (i.e. your new stepdaughter), then by all means, stay with him. As for what’s best for your daughter, yes, she needs both parents but she needs two good parents even more. She’s going to model what you do when she grows up so consider this—what would you have her do in the same situation?
Sinceramente,
SA Esa

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Hi there,
I'm a 20-year-old girl that is so confused right now. I graduated from high school about two years ago and there I met my high school sweetheart. I was there when he needed me the most and for his family as well. I pretty much moved in with him and I left my home and all of my friends for him. He did me wrong like most guys do when they have a good woman by their side. My friends told me he was up to no good but I wouldn't pay attention. I stopped hanging around them because he didn't like them. So I would always be with him and his family. I then got tired of how he was acting. Girl, he would go out and would leave me with his Mom and he wouldn't come home until real late. Then girls would call the house and ask for him and I would answer the phone and he would just say that they were friends. Then when guys started calling my cell phone he would have a major fit. I got tired and I met this guy at my work place and he knew that things weren't good with my boyfriend so he showed me that there was people out there for me. Eventually we broke up and I have been with this new guy for almost one year and let me tell you he treats me like a queen and I love him for that. But there are times when I bump into with my ex-boyfriend and it just bring me back all of the good times that we had together and it just tears me up cause all I do is think about my new boyfriend. My ex is talking about that he misses me and how much he loves me and that he’s sorry for how he treated me and that to give him a second chance. But I don't know what to do. Yeah I do love him because we have been through so much but then again I don't know if he is just saying the things he is saying to get me back. My new boyfriend and I have had a couple of arguments and every time we fight I always run to him. He knows about my boyfriend and I know that he has someone as well. But when we are together nothing matters, and I don't know if that’s a sign or what? I'm Mexican and my ex and my new boyfriend are from Puerto Rico. I'm attracted to them I don't know why. I have only dated one Mexican and it didn't go well so I don't see myself with a Mexican in the long run. They both thought I was Puertorican when they met me. But anyways back to the subject my ex recently had a motorcycle accident and it was bad and I barley found out about it. He says that he felt much better when he saw me. His mother and I have such an amazing relationship that’s one of the reasons it hurts me when she sees us together because she wants me to end up with her son. She tells me that anybody that her son brings to the house she doesn't like because it’s not me. She finds something wrong with them right away, so she doesn't give them a chance. And the messed up thing is that they live like two blocks away from my house so I always see them. But my new boyfriend he lives further away from me and I'm always the one that goes to see him and I always have to get a car so that we can go out and he sometimes doesn't realize how much I do for him as well. He is a couple of years older than me but that doesn't give him the right to talk to me the way he does sometimes.  I just don't know what to do? Please help! Should I keep trying with my boyfriend or should I try once more with my ex?
 
Hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Confused!?

Dear Confused,
How about neither one? Sounds like you had a lucky escape from the first one. What if you had married him and/or had kids? You’d really be stuck. Your current boyfriend sounds much better, especially if he treats you like a queen, but I don’t think he rocks your world the way your first boyfriend does. He’s your first love so that’s always going to set him apart from other men. Still, he took you very much for granted, probably even cheated on you, and I’m not sure that’s because he was immature or because he’s a dog and always will be. I wouldn’t risk finding out. You’re very young. You need to find a guy who makes your knees weak AND treats you like a queen, in other words, a combination of both.
I would recommend breaking up with the current one and being alone for a while but since I doubt that’s what you want to do, I say, stick with your current boyfriend. He treats you better. Maybe over time you’ll grow to love him more deeply (and he’ll get his own car) or better yet, someone even better will come along.  Meanwhile, steer clear of Mr. High School and his familia.
Good luck,
SA Esa

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Querida SA Esa,

I am a 25-year-old Latina with a college degree, a serious boyfriend, good parents, and a good job. I have been living at home all my life and I have recently started to consider moving out into my own apartment (with no roommates, with no boyfriend). The dilemma is that I think that my boyfriend may be proposing this year to me and if that happens, I will need to save money, and I may not be able to save as much if I move out. The other side of the coin is that we really don't have much privacy whenever he comes over, and I can't spend the night at his place because of my traditional parents. If we get married, it wouldn't be for another 2 years since he still has to finish college. So I'm wondering if it would be worth moving out for a while on my own to experience total freedom or simply sucking it up at home for a little bit longer and saving money. Do you have any advice for me? I would really appreciate it!

"D" in Wisconsin

Dear “D,”
I say do it! You can’t wait around for “what ifs” because they may never happen. Your boyfriend may propose, he may not. You may decide that he’s definitely the one or you may not. What’s clear to me is that living on your own is something that you’ve thought a lot about and that you’d like to do for yourself and that’s the best reason of all to do it. Brava also for your decision to do it alone, sin boyfriend or roommate.
It’s important to get out and be on your own. You’ll be stronger for the experience and more confident. This will be an adventure, however, and you should be open to what you’ll find. A lot can happen in two years.
As for money, you say you have a good job now but you may be doing even better by the time you’re ready to settle down. Although you’re clearly an ambitious person, perhaps the pressure to pay rent will result in additional ambitiousness on your part?
Living alone is a great idea for any young person. You’ll learn so much and grow so much from it. As for you and your boyfriend, if you’re meant to be together, it will happen, whether or not you take this time to be on your own.
Actually, there is one “what if” that you can count on. If you don’t do this, you’ll always wonder, “what if?”

Good Luck,
SA Esa

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Dear SA Esa,
I have been with my boyfriend for going on three years. but back in November, a so-called friend of mine called him and told him that I had a miscarriage, which is not true because I was never pregnant in the first place. This caused him to break up with me and he stopped speaking to me but kept calling my friend and supposedly relaying messages to her for me . One day I even found out that he asked her to go with him. When I confronted him he just said that he did it out of spite to make me jealous and upset, which of course it did. I truly love this boy despite everything that happened and more recently he has come back into my life. He wants to get back with me but I am split down the middle. I know he loves me still and I feel the same way about him. The so-called friend has even tried to start speaking to me again. Once again I love this boy to death. Should I leave it alone or get back with him?
 
CONFUSED

Dear Confused,
I don’t’ see why having a miscarriage was any reason to break up with you. That’s pretty immature. Seems like he was looking for an excuse to leave and if he had hooked up with your so-called friend, or any other girl for that matter, I don’t think he would be so quick to come back.
After three years you should trust each other a lot more than you do. I think he needs to learn a lesson and you need to find someone who really cares about you and doesn’t do things deliberately to hurt you.
But, I also know that it’s hard to resist what your heart’s telling you to do so a little distance from him might make things more clear. The fact that you’ve written to me tells me that your inner voice is saying something else. I would tell boyfriend that you need time to think, so for now, you need to be alone. But take the time to really think, ok? Ask yourself if you’re happy or miserable with him and what is it that you’re looking for in an ideal boyfriend?
As for your so-called friend, this is not a true friend and you already know that, so why keep her around? Unlike family we pick our friends so where this friend is concerned, adiós muchacha.
Hope this clears things up.

Sinceramente,
SA Esa